“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.” ~ Anonymous
If you’re reading this, I imagine it means you have made a decision that you are uncomfortable where you are, feeling what you’re feeling or dong what you’re doing. There is something you want to do differently in your life, probably in relation to the alcoholic or addict in your life.
I get it. A number of years ago I was there too. My problem was I didn’t know what to do. I had been dealing with alcoholics and addicts for most of my life; my Grandfather, my Dad, my Brother, various boyfriends and friends and the list goes on. I knew I didn’t like the controlling, argumentative, self-righteous, stressed out person I had become. I was anxious and afraid all the time and had to have plan B, C, and D just in case A didn’t work. I never really felt safe or calm and it was making me hate who I had become and how I was acting. I made the decision that I needed help, but I didn’t know what to do or where to go.
The first thing I did was share my feelings with a close trusted friend who had been in a relationship with a man who was an addict. I noticed immediately that I felt better sharing my struggle with someone who understood. She suggested I start doing some research online and see if anything seemed to jump out at me or fit how I was feeling. She explained that this is a very personal journey and I had to find what worked for me. She gave me a number of ideas to Google and I started there.
The list of things I Googled was actually quite small:
- Addicted parents
- Help addicted family members
- I have an addict father
- Alcoholic family
- Help for the alcoholic family
I found a ton of resources for my entire family of addicts and alcoholics, but not a lot for me. A few things came up…
- Melody Beattie – an author of many different books about codependency
- Al-anon
- Adult Children of Alcoholics
- The names of a couple of counsellors
The more research I did, the more I realized I was not ready for a 12-step program. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t want people to tell me what to do or how to feel. I just wanted to know how to help my Dad and my Brother. I felt that if I could help them, that would help me. It was the way they drank and used that made me act the way I did so if I helped them, I would be helping myself.
I made my second decision. I was going to arm myself with knowledge. I figured the more I knew, the better I could understand and help them. I started reading. I made a commitment to myself to learn as much as I could about alcoholism and addiction. I read as much material as I could get my hands on. I researched the disease of addiction, the causes and how it works.
One of the things that kept coming up in everything I read was that addiction was a family disease, that it affects the whole family and although I didn’t cause it, I did contribute to it. I had a really hard time with this. I didn’t hold a gun to their heads and make them drink. I didn’t force them to use drugs. I actually hated it when they were high or drunk. I didn’t want them to be intoxicated all the time. I could not see how I could possibly be contributing to their addictions. I felt insulted and was offended. Didn’t all these people understand that I had been doing everything in my power to make them stop, fix the problems and solve all the problems they had to be drunk or high?
Over time I learned more, gathered more information and stayed in my controlling, argumentative, self-righteous, stressed out and anxious thinking. Yes I had all the information in the world, but that wasn’t changing anything. I understood why they were using drugs and drinking, but I didn’t understand why I felt the way I felt.
Finally, I had a thought that hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized I couldn’t change them. I had to change me, so I made a third decision. This was the one that changed my life. I started to look for help for myself. I read about codependency and addicted families. I learned about taking care of myself and setting boundaries. I had to practice new skills and learn not to react.
Once I’d made the decision to look at me my actions and my feelings, everything changed. They didn’t stop using drugs, drinking or behaving badly, but I reacted differently. I stopped trying to control them and fix them. I set boundaries and limits and followed through with them. Rather than let myself get talked into things, I took time to think about what I wanted and what was good for me. I decided I didn’t want to be around them when they were drunk or high and I wasn’t. I started making other plans.
It was all really hard at first, but the more I practiced, the easier it got. Now I feel completely different. I like who I am. I am more confident and communicate more clearly. I don’t change my life to suit others unless I want to. I don’t have to save the addicts and alcoholics around me. I still get frustrated and annoyed and sometimes I slip back into what I used to do when trying to make a situation better or different, but I recognize what I am doing fairly fast, and stop.
More than anything, I don’t feel like I am getting the life sucked out of me and I take responsibility for my own happiness. I have choices today and I give myself permission to take care of myself, not everyone else.
I don’t know whether my family will ever get clean and sober, but I do know that it’s not my fault if they don’t. I have learned how to be there for them if they make the decision to clean up. My whole life changed because I made 3 simple decisions. I shared my feelings with a trusted friend, I armed myself with knowledge and I started taking care of myself. I am no longer addicted to taking care of my family members.
