Most of the time we don’t see ourselves, the non-addict, as having a problem. Many of the parents and family members I have spoken to have expressed concern about their addicted child or addicted family member, not themselves. The reality is that the whole family is involved in the cycle of addiction.
There is a saying, “Addition isn’t just a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play.” In one sense, this expression can be looked upon as poking fun at addiction. In the more serious sense, addiction is like a full contact sport.
Addiction is not a spectator sport. It is a family disease, which causes the whole family to participate in the dynamic that keeps addiction alive. From the brother or sister covering for the addict’s behaviour, to Mom and Dad justifying and making excuses for the behaviour, to other family members and friends bailing the addict out or saving the addict from consequences, everyone is involved.
Everyone gets involved, whether they want to or not. I have used the word play, not to be cheeky, but because often having a long relationship with an addict feels like you’ve been playing a full contact sport like football or lacrosse. I know I felt emotionally and physically banged up and bruised. Physically, I was exhausted and burnt out. I had aches and pains all over my body. I was ill regularly and unable to gather enough physical strength to get through the day. Emotionally, I felt stresses, drained and almost depressed. I was mentally tired of always having plans A, B, C and D. I stopped sharing with my friends and I felt isolated and alone, like I had no one on my side. I had actually isolated myself because I was embarrassed and ashamed by my own enabling and co-dependent behaviour.
We start saying yes when we know we need to say no. We sacrifice our wants and our needs for the needs and wants of our active addict. We safety net and save them from themselves. We keep them from realizing the seriousness of their own addiction and behaviour.
So how can we be different to help our addicted loved one? Knowledge is the key. By learning to respond rather than react, set and maintain boundaries, communicate effectively and give your loved one positive reinforcement, you will start laying a path towards health and recovery. You can start taking care of yourself and getting your life back.
