I’ve known for a very, very, very long time that I grew up in an alcoholic home. I probably figured it out and really understood it around grade 11 after I’d been drinking daily myself for a couple of years. I remember having long talks with my Mom about it, but not really understanding the impact it had on my childhood or how it was still affecting my life. I definitely didn’t have any insight as to how my Dad’s or my Grandfather’s alcoholism and addiction would affect me as an adult. Now at 44 years old and 20 years clean and sober, I am just starting to unpack that giant storage unit of issues.
Over the past 22 years, I have been to support groups for friends and families of addicted loved ones, but I never stuck around. I related on the surface, but these groups never really helped me connect all the dots to understand what I was feeling and that how I was behaving now went back to my childhood of being raised in an alcoholic home. I didn’t feel the relief that other members talked about. I realized there were some basic concepts, like codependency and looking at my behaviour rather than theirs, that helped my relationships with my Mom, my husband at the time, my children and my friends, but there were still issues that weren’t being addressed.
I have this feeling that I am still a little kid and although I desperately want to sit with the ‘grown-ups,’ I don’t feel like I am worthy. I am terrified of authority and of being abandoned. I choose partners that I can fix and help. I do things for them they couldn’t do for themselves and make them depend on me. When they grow and are able to be autonomous, they leave and I don’t understand why. I am devastated and lost and seek out the whole pattern again with others.
Everything I do is about not wanting to feel what I am feeling or not wanting to deal with the feelings I am feeling. I stuff them by staying busy. I take on projects or people so I don’t have to look at myself. I over-function so people can’t find fault or criticize me because that is too personal and it hurts too much. I have an intense need to be perfect and not let anyone see the cracks. The result of this is that I don’t really let anyone in and am often isolated under the illusion that I like my own company or that I am occupied by work.
The result of all of this is that I have created a world in which I am not vulnerable with anyone and I don’t trust anyone completely. I don’t ever let anyone all the way into my heart, except my children. I keep everyone at least an arms length away so no one actually sees my imperfections and my flaws. If I can do that, I don’t get criticized and everyone loves my mask. No one really knows who I am, not even me.
I have come to a point in my life that living this way is painful and not enough for me. I want to be seen. I want to be known and I want to be vulnerable. I want to know who I am and what I like. The constant effort to keep up appearances is challenging when I really want to let down the walls and have close, intimate relationships with my family, my children and my friends. I want to have connections that I value and I want to feel valued.
I have often felt like everyone wants a piece of me. What I mean is that I often feel like everyone wants something from me and no one really gives back to me. I am the one doing all the giving and my soul is empty. I have come to realize that I am the cause of this pain. It is not anyone else’s fault. I have friends and family who love me, support me and help me. They do fill my soul. I just don’t let them in. I don’t receive their love, support and help. I push it all away because I need the world to see that I am strong, independent and self-sufficient and don’t need any help. I can do it all on my own and if I can’t, I will pay someone to do it. No one is going to help me for fun and for free. I’m not worthy of that.
So, at 44 years old and 20 years sober, I have hit a large, painful, long bottom. I can’t go on living my life like this. I know I am happy for the most part, but I still feel alone and isolated and that needs to change. I don’t want to wear the impenetrable mask of self-sufficiency, perfection and accomplishment. I want to be vulnerable, soft, and a hot mess if I need to be. I want to be able to be the parent who rushes her children to school in my pyjamas and fake Uggs if I want to. I want to be the person who can cry in public if I need to. I want to be the one who gets to be the drama queen for 10 minutes. (As I say all of this, I have a knot in my stomach and my chest feels tight.) I am tired of being all put together. I am aware that this is my own illusion in my head and it is not what everyone else sees, but it is how I feel.
I have made a decision. I am going do something about it. I am going to get the help I need to overcome my fears and my need for perfectionism. I am going to learn how to be vulnerable and let people in. I am going to learn how to be a hot mess and be okay with it. I am going to be me. And I am going to do this by finding my tribe and start doing what they do.
I have no idea what that looks like or where I am going yet, but I will let you know.
